


People are like bombs (complex, beautiful, monstrous)

by bran4ever



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: (Daniel is determined to do better), (because Daniel and Warren suck at communication), (but Daniel promises it'll be better in the future), (in a way), Angst, Asexuality, Daniel Jacobi is people smart, Daniel Jacobi’s head is not a fun place to be, Dubious Consent, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, PLEASE CHECK THE END NOTES FOR MORE WARNINGS, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Dynamics, Pre-Canon, Unhealthy Sex, hyper-awareness, or maybe AU post canon, past abusive relationships, these are not well-adjusted people, trans!jacobi, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-26 07:26:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18177656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bran4ever/pseuds/bran4ever
Summary: Daniel is sure he and the major have a Thing. But when Kepler goes from interested partner to terrifying threat in the space between Daniel's shirt and his skin, Daniel is suddenly certain he's missed something. But Daniel doesn't have any self-preservation instincts. What he DOES have is years and years of experience with Warren Kepler. And he's put his mind to puzzling out his major. As soon as he stops hyperventilating.





	People are like bombs (complex, beautiful, monstrous)

**Author's Note:**

> ****** Please see the end notes for more warnings! ******
> 
> They're a little spoilery, but please, PLEASE go read them if you need trigger warnings.
> 
> I wrote most of this in one sitting, then went back and edited it months later. I made myself cry. I regret nothing.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at whatsitnot!

Daniel whines and shifts. Above him, Kepler is doing his damndest to convince Daniel’s brain that the entire universe has been condensed down to just the bare millimeter of space between Daniel’s abdomen and the major’s mouth.

 

The agony of waiting becomes too much for Daniel.

 

“Major. Major, please!” he moans, as he shifts against Kepler.

 

Kepler shifts his position over Daniel so his eyes are visible. An eyebrow goes up, and Daniel can’t even. He can’t even with that look.

 

“Please!”

 

Their clothes aren’t even completely off yet.

 

***

 

This is the first time they’ve actually done this in a bed. The first time, it was just Kepler with his hand down Daniel’s pants against a filthy wall in the alley behind the building they had just infiltrated. The ground was littered with cigarette butts and fast food wrappers, the air was thick with smog, but Daniel’s clearest memory is Kepler’s mouth against his ear, egging him on, words of praise and humiliation dripping from his lips in equal measure as his hand worked against Daniel.

 

The second time, Kepler threw Daniel down on the desk in the major’s office and told him how disgusting he was as he ate Daniel out.

 

***

 

Daniel shudders as the memory of those minutes floats through his mind, his need spiraling ever higher.

 

Now, they’re in Kepler’s apartment. Daniel had backed up to the bed, kissing Kepler as he pulled the older man down on top of him. Daniel desperately wants to please Kepler, to repay the favor of that brief moment when everything was white and none of the insane mess that was their everyday lives weighed on them.

 

Then, Daniel, hands working in the small space between him and Kepler, had tried to open the buttons on the major’s dress shirt, but Kepler jerked away and growled at him to lay flat. Daniel had kept working at his self-apointed task, but Kepler grabbed his wrists and pinned them above Daniel’s head with one strong hand.

 

Daniel twists and tries to free his hands. He is nearly mindless now, needing an end to the breath against his skin, needing something concrete to reset his touch levels.

 

“Are you sure you want to fight me _now_?”

 

“Sir! Please let me touch you!” Daniel begs. “Please touch me, just do _something_!”

 

Kepler’s smirk is visible from the corner of Daniel’s leaking eyes. The man shifts again, eyes flashing with something Daniel can’t name as they drop out of sight once more. Then he drags his wet tongue across Daniel’s abs, bared by between the halves of his shirt laying unbuttoned at his sides. Daniel shakes.

 

Finally, finally Kepler uses his free hand to unbutton Daniel’s pants and tug them down. His mouth moves downward over Daniel’s pubic bone and when that warm, sucking sensation reaches Daniel’s clit - his hips surge and only Kepler’s hand pinning him down keeps Daniel from throwing the man’s balance off where he is hunched over Daniel.

 

Daniel lays twitching and sated for long minutes. He finally regains awareness to see Kepler drinking from a bottle of water. Just one, Daniel notices, with wry amusement.

 

He picks himself up slightly and shoves his pants down the rest of the way. Daniel kneewalks to to where Kepler is seated at the edge of the bed, and his shirt makes a soft swishing noise as the movement causes it to falls from his shoulders.

 

A plastic crackle emanates from the bottle in the major’s hand.

 

Kepler’s shoulder is warm and solid against Daniel’s cheek. The feel of his chest, taut under Daniel’s hands, makes Daniel start to burn again.

 

“Not satisfied yet, Mr. Jacobi?,” and Daniel can _hear_ the raised eyebrow in his voice.

 

Daniel frowns.

 

“Sir, you have to know I want to please you, too.” Daniel’s hands wander over Kepler’s front while he presses his chest into the major’s back.

 

“What, so you can see me as pitiful and wrecked as you, Jacobi?”

 

Daniel freezes, stung.

 

“Sir… we’re on a real bed. And this isn’t the first time we’ve done this.”

 

“No, this isn’t the first time _I’ve_ done _this_. _You_ , Mr. Jacobi, just lie back and take it.”

 

The flinch is impossible to stop, and Daniel scrabbles to maintain his position as Kepler begins to pull away and stand.

 

“I _want_ to get you off! I _want_ to reciprocate! _You’re_ the one who keeps walking away!”

 

“Who said _I_ wanted _you_?”

 

Surely, _surely_? Surely…?

 

***

 

Daniel thought he understood what was happening between them. He thought they were - were becoming a Thing. But he’s always been bad at reading social cues. Maybe the major just wanted - Daniel didn’t know. To control him? To make more complete use of the tools at his disposal, maybe. But - it didn’t make any sense. Every other time Daniel had been in this situation, the person on the other side just wanted to use him to get off. Just wanted to use his body to reach their completion. Never had anyone ever used his body just to make him helpless and vulnerable and so, so sated.

 

But that was Major Kepler all over. He would use Jacobi exactly how he wanted just to prove he could make Daniel dance to Kepler’s tune.

 

***

 

“You… you’re not attracted to me.” Daniel scrambles to the other side of the bed, desperately trying to get away from this man, this man he feels so deeply for, who doesn’t feel anything for him _at all._

 

“And if I was?”

 

Kepler stands, slowly. He turns, slowly. He smiles, slowly.

 

And oh. Oh, that smile. That _smile_.

 

That smile is _monstrous_.

 

“And if I _was_ attracted to you, Mr. Jacobi?” The words are slow, menacing.

 

Kepler slides one knee onto the bed, stalking his prey, his movement leonine and fluid. He moves forward inexorably until he is just in front of Daniel, pinned between the wall and the heat radiating off his major.

 

That smile is right in Daniel’s face, and he feels sick.

 

Kepler laughs, low and rolling like thunder before a stormfront. He shoves suddenly up against Daniel and slaps his hands against the wall beside Daniel’s ears. Daniel flinches, short and sharp. Kepler laughs again.

 

And, sickened, Daniel feels Kepler’s hard length pressed against the outside of his naked thigh through Kepler’s pants. He feels exposed, frightened, and he can’t run out in just his socks. He will anyway.

 

If he can get away. If Kepler isn’t a paranoid bastard who uses a key for the deadbolt on both sides of his front door. Daniel was so wound up when they came in that he didn’t even notice how the security was set up at Kepler’s apartment.

 

Daniel does the only thing he can. He fights back.

 

“I don’t need a pity fuck, _Warren_.”

 

_Snarl._

 

“ _What_ did you just call me.”

 

“ _Warren._ I. Don’t. Need. A PITY FUCK!” he roars.

 

And - he shoves the major. Rams his head against his sternum and shoves him to the side, leaving Kepler just off-balance enough that Jacobi can scramble under his arm and off the far side of the bed.

 

“ _Don’t_ you?” snarls Kepler.

 

“Don’t you need someone to call you pretty and pathetic and reset your brain every now and then so you don’t fall into _old habits_?”

 

Daniel chokes on the sudden lack of air in his throat.

 

Distantly, some part of his mind registers that Kepler hasn’t come any closer, has stayed slightly slumped where Daniel shoved him in his mad rush for freedom. The look in his eyes is wild, ferocious. The lines on his face read of fury and destruction.

 

Backing away, Daniel scrabbles for his clothes and shoes strewn on the floor. He can’t meet Kepler’s eyes anymore, but can’t drop his eyes from the barely-human form of Major Kepler, either. Some animal instinct tries to keep Daniel alive in the face of a cornered predator.

 

He turns and runs for the door.

 

***

 

The lock turns swiftly under his hands, and if Daniel were the praying kind of person, he would be on his knees worshipping whichever god was looking out for him because Daniel is _outside_ and the door slams behind him.

 

He hops into his clothing, stumbling toward his car, and he checks his pants and God _bless_ because he’s now absolutely certain some deity is looking out for him. In their frenzied movement to the bed, Daniel hadn’t emptied his pockets. His car keys, phone, and wallet made it out of the major’s apartment with him.

 

Daniel rips open the door of his truck and jumps inside. The door locks with a slam on the button. He struggles to get his legs against his chest in the cramped space in front of the steering wheel and-

 

Daniel _sobs._

 

He sobs and sobs and remembers to breathe intermittently.

 

He shakes and shakes, and his arms around his legs hold the scraps of his mind together.

 

And then - he calms. Like a storm passing over, he inhales, exhales, and the pieces of his mind resettle into some form of order. He will endure. He can and will integrate this new information into his world, and he will pick himself up and keep moving forward. Goddard Futuristics employs only the best, after all.

 

And that thought nearly stops his breathing again. It stutters - his body tenses - and Daniel starts counting breaths.

 

He calms again, shaky but clear, and he drops his legs back to the floorboard of the truck.

 

He grasps the key in the ignition, but he doesn’t turn it.

 

Like moving underwater, his hand draws back and drops into his lap. Kepler is a monster, yes, but so is Daniel. They _understand_ each other. That’s part of what makes them such a good team. Daniel cannot comprehend how he misread their arrangement so badly.

 

So he closes his eyes.

 

***

 

Daniel is the best.

 

His area of specialty is explosives. He knows just how to design and build a bomb so it explodes at just the right moment. He understands how the moving parts and chemicals react, and he can make them do exactly what he needs - no less, and no more.

 

People are not that different from bombs, Daniel thinks. People have base mixtures that can be stabilized and destabilized by adding reagents or changing the chemical makeup of the carrying device.

 

And as with any chemical explosion, there are warning signs before the explosion. The temperature changes slowly, the pressure builds up, the color changes.

 

What did he miss?

 

So Jacobi sits back in his truck, aware of the transparent and breakable glass surrounding him, but unable to care. Major Kepler has always been able to hold Daniel’s attention, even when he isn’t physically present.

 

***

 

It comes in flashes.

 

The look in Kepler’s eye, almost unnoticeable under the amused eyebrow he raised when Daniel started begging - in control, yes, smug, yes but…

 

The twitch, invisible, felt instead of seen, that would have been unnoticeable if Daniel hadn’t been pinned underneath against Kepler’s weight while he was trying to undress the major, just before he pinned Daniel’s wrists to the bed.  

 

The grip that crinkled Kepler’s water bottle when Daniel shucked off his clothes.

 

The strain in the major’s chest and back when Daniel draped his naked body against him.

 

“Who said _I_ wanted _you_?”

 

Daniel squirms, distressed and discomforted, but he squeezes his eyes shut and _remembers._

 

“Who said _I_ wanted _you_?”

 

The moment plays in slow motion in the theater of Daniel Jacobi’s mind.

 

“Who said _I_ wanted _you_?”

 

And there it is. Hidden in the crags of his scarred face. Secreted away in his crooked, monstrous smile. Scalded by fury and pain, but still recognizable in his wild eyes.

 

Resignation.

 

A flurry of images slips past Daniel’s eyes. Years and years of quiet moments and cacophonous ones, all being re-processed and re-analyzed in Daniel’s mind.

 

A fleeting moment where their shoulders touched and Kepler’s eyes went soft under the gore covering his face.

 

The flash of disquiet when a mark hit on him.

 

The blankness in his face when they listened to their target’s calls to sex lines.

 

The calmness written in his barely-there smirk when Daniel woke up with his head in the major’s lap.

 

***

 

And suddenly -

 

Daniel thinks -

 

***

 

In the alley that first time, Daniel’s mouth crushed against Kepler’s, his hand wrapped in the neck of the kevlar vest to drag the taller man down to Daniel’s level, when Kepler responded after Daniel had just started to pull away, embarrassed and panicky, as Kepler kissed him back _viciously_ , but his arms came around Daniel and _clung._ Then those arms shoved him against the wall and got him off so fast Daniel had barely registered what happened two hours into their trip to the extraction point.

 

***

 

Daniel would probably cry if he wasn’t already so dried out from his panic attack earlier.

 

He _really_ wishes Kepler had offered him a bottle of water.

 

Daniel pulls the keys out of his ignition and climbs out of the cab.

 

He drags himself up the stairs toward Kepler’s apartment and forces himself to turn the doorknob. The door opens easily.

 

Daniel closes his eyes and breathes for a moment before stepping into the apartment and shutting the softly door behind him. He’s not sure exactly how much time has passed since he left, but it’s been at least an hour.

 

Daniel is no fool. Usually. Sometimes. Occasionally.

 

In any case, he knows his major. He knows the man is hyper-aware on a good day. Coming back into this apartment after leaving the way he did, Daniel knows he’s taking a risk. He can mitigate it as best as possible, but he’s not ready to leave.

 

“Major?

 

“Major Kepler?

 

“It’s me, Jacobi. I’m in your apartment, and I’m locking the door behind me. I’m going to get some water out of your refrigerator, then I’m coming into your bedroom.” And he does exactly that.

 

Daniel’s breath leaves him when he steps over the threshold of Kepler’s bedroom and catches sight of the major.

 

He’s still on the bed, and looks like he hasn’t moved since Jacobi left. He’s collapsed, face hidden behind one arm curled around his head.

 

Daniel aches to take the man into his arms. But that’s what got him into this situation in the first place.

 

So, instead, Daniel sits just outside the doorway of the bedroom, facing away, and he talks.

 

“It’s the 25th of July, 2018. You’re in your apartment at 94 Private Dr in Annapolis, Maryland. It’s 23 degrees Celsius outside, that’s 74 degrees Fahrenheit. And probably about 19 degrees Celsius inside. 66 degrees Fahrenheit. You keep this place really cool, Major. Have I ever told you about the time I blew up an elementary school?”

 

He has. He told the major that story the first month they worked together.

 

“It’s the 25th of July, 2018. You’re in your apartment at 94 Private Dr in Annapolis, Maryland. It’s 23 degrees Celsius outside. Fahrenheit is a stupid system of measurement. I think I might shoot off some fireworks over the sound tomorrow. Have I ever told you about the time I ate a can of fried worms?”

 

He has. Kepler was delighted with that story and likes to make him tell it to the new recruits.

 

“It’s the 25th of July, 2018. You’re in your apartment at 94 Private Dr in Annapolis, Maryland. It’s 23 degrees Celsius- “

 

“The sun went down hours ago. Have you checked the temperature outside since then? Of course not.”

 

“Major.”

 

“Mr. Jacobi.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You should be.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“...”

 

“Go home, Jacobi.”

 

Daniel’s head slumps back again the door frame.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice hoarse.

 

The silence rings in Daniel’s ears, made louder and more dissonant by years of being in far too close proximity to explosions.

 

***

 

Daniel Jacobi is not a praying man. He wouldn’t know how to if he tried. But he remembers standing in front of Notre Dame de Paris - the way he seemed to become a fixed point while the world seemed to move around him. He remembers feeling of hundreds of thousands of impressions of people laying their whole identities on its flagstones.

 

He also remembers the best places to set explosive devices to destroy it.

 

Daniel Jacobi wants to pull the feeling of Notre Dame into his chest and offer himself up to whatever god will take him if only they would put his major back together again. But he won’t. He won’t because Daniel Jacobi is not a man. He is a monster. And monsters do not pray. They build themselves out of shattered bone and the metal piercing their bodies and sharp words and a vicious possessiveness that sometimes (just sometimes) (just enough) imitates protectiveness.

 

***

 

The silence rings in Daniel’s ears. He feels it echoing between them, and he feels his splintered heart seize because -

 

/***/

 

“Go put on something appropriate!”

 

“You’d look so much prettier with long hair.”

 

“Aren’t you a little short?”

 

“The dress code for prom is suits or tuxes for boys and dresses for girls.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me _before_ you asked me out?!”

 

“We don’t think you’re a good fit for this company.”

 

“Do you have any history of mental health diagnoses?”

 

“We don’t want your kind around here!”

 

“Why couldn’t you use the restroom at the bar?”

 

“Maybe you’d have more friends if you tried opening up a little!”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I didn’t know.”

 

“You don’t look it.”

 

“Liar!”

 

“I can’t be with someone who makes me uncomfortable.”

 

“You’ve changed too much.”

 

“Did you expect me to break twenty years of habit in six months?!”

 

“Maybe you should leave your house once in a while.”

 

“Don’t ask.”

“Don’t tell.”

 

“I don’t want my friends to talk about us.”

 

“You have food and a roof above your head!”

 

“Hello, pastor. Come in.”

 

“Cover up, would you?”

 

//***//

 

There is a hand on the back Daniel’s neck. There is a deep voice murmuring in his ear. Daniel’s hindbrain registers only “safe” and “warm,” and this is strange because under most circumstances, Daniel really, _really_ does not like anyone looming over him or even touching him, especially when he is just coming out of a panic attack.

 

He doesn’t remember when his head dropped down onto his arms, folded on top of his numb knees. He doesn’t look up.

 

“Thought I was supposed to be comforting you, sir.”

 

It’s a dangerous statement. Warren is a predator, and no predator likes to be reminded of their vulnerability, much less by a weaker predator (prey).

 

“You should stick to your few competent skills, Mr. Jacobi.”

 

Daniel smiles, and doesn’t move.

 

Warren’s warmth and weight pulls away from Daniel, so Daniel reaches (slowly, evenly) for the hand slipping from his neck.

 

“Is this okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“Is it okay if I hold your hand?”

 

No response.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry; I should have asked before I kissed you. I should have asked if you were comfortable with me taking my clothes off.”

 

He doesn’t say _“I didn’t know.”_ He doesn’t ask _“Why didn’t you tell me?”_ or “ _Why did you put your hand down my pants?”_

 

***

 

If a telepath happened to be in range of Daniel Jacobi at this precise moment, and cared to listen to Daniel’s thoughts (a dubious choice at any time) they would hear, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Please give me another chance,” repeated over and over.

 

If that theoretical telepath cared to search Daniel Jacobi’s mind for the thing he wanted most at this precise moment, they would know he wanted to ask Major Kepler if he was comfortable with Daniel staying the night. And if the answer was yes, he wanted to sleep on the couch and make Kepler coffee in the morning. And if none of that spectacularly backfired or discomforted the major, he wanted to plant his feet and start a discussion about where their physical boundaries were while neither of them were physically or emotionally compromised.

 

***

 

The major has a lot of stories. Most of them are about his deadliness. Too many of them are about things he didn’t want to do. One of them goes a lot like this:

 

Once upon a time there was a major and his demolitions expert. Then (or maybe initially) there was a monster and the weaker predator (prey) who trailed in his wake. And all the other monsters wondered what the weaker predator (prey) (weaker is just another word for strength unknown)  was hiding under his clothes. But the monster knew: a strong sense of self and hesitant marks from someone who had all the time he would live to figure out who he was in return.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: trans!Jacobi, ace!Kepler, tw: past abusive relationship, tw: past sexual abuse, violent sexual advance between main pairing, tw: panic attacks, tw: transphobia, tw: (implied) acephobia, dubious consent
> 
> Kepler is consenting as much as he is able in this fic. Which is to say, he instigates things, and Daniel rolls with it. Daniel should have checked for his consent. Warren should have checked for *Daniel's* consent, too, for that matter. But in this fic, Warren feels pressured to perform sexual acts, and Daniel unknowingly contributes to that. Read with caution!
> 
> Also note: there is a section of this fic where Daniel recalls transphobic things said to him. It is highly unpleasant. If you need to skip it, when you see this set of symbols " /***/ ", skip ahead by searching " //***// ". 
> 
> Please feel free to contact me via the comments or my tumblr whatsitnot.


End file.
